Greetings from...

My iPhone & Me

As some of you may know, I was forced into getting a new cell phone - and a new cell phone provider. I've been a Sprint user since I got my first cell phone in the good old days of 2001, but now, I am an AT&T girl.

Sprint was ok. The reception was great, the customer service was crappy, and they were always trying to get me to renew my two year contract whenever I wanted to change anything about my plan. 

Now, I say I was "forced" because of the following reasons:

• Everyone in my family has AT&T. They (meaning my mother) would constantly call me before 7pm, attempting to use all 350 of my daytime minutes.
• I didn't have texting, which bothered most people, including my sister, who delighted in texting me the following message: "$0.30 hahah". (That's how much getting a text from my sister would cost me.)
• My parents offered to kick my sister off their family plan and put me on.
  
• Chandler (my younger brother) offered to give me his old iPhone when he bought a new iPhone 3GS.
  
• Finally, my monthly phone bill averaged $48.oo with 350 anytime minutes, no texting, no camera phone, & no Internet access. The only thing my phone had going for it was that it was pink (slightly more lilac) and had a fantastic old school phone ring.
  

So I caved and agreed to the 'Great Phone Swap of 2009'. Little did I realize that this would lead to some very strong emotions and hyperventilation on my part.

First crisis came when my mother told me my new phone number. I couldn't migrate the beloved '0002' with me to AT&T. They claimed I had to have the same area code as the rest of the family plan members. Why then did they assign me a '224' area code and not an '847' like the rest of my family (excluding my father who has a '773')? Huh? Huh? My mother says she asked them for an 847, but I think she is lying. That's the kind of thing she would lie about because she thinks I'm strange for caring.

We won't even discuss the other numbers. They are all horrible. There is nothing inspiring about them at all.

Ok, we will discuss them. I wrote a poem to help express my feelings. Consider it part of the healing process.

'Ode to 801.358.0002'

My beloved 0002
What am I to do?
Sometimes, with a secret glee,
I'd tell them you were 0003.

Now I'm stuck with 8541
which is not nearly as fun.
With an area code of 224
I'm sad down to my core.

Oh how I'll miss you 358!
(This poem is really not that great.)
I'm stuck with stupid 475.
But I got a super awesome iPhone!

Theoretically, the iPhone is super user friendly because of its very simple user interface. All actions should be intuitive. (But please keep in mind that I haven't upgraded my phone in almost five years. My pink phone was a flip phone with very simple features.) Needless to say, I had a mental breakdown attempting to make a phone call. I couldn't quite grasp how the whole concept worked. And who cared if I could check my email or surf the web on it - I sit at a computer for at least 8 hours a day at work. I didn't lack for any sort of Internet access - all I wanted to do was make a phone call and be able to store the phone numbers of all 62 contacts/friends/family/Cafe Rio locations!

I've been fiddling around now with my iPhone for about a week and things have gotten much, much easier. I might even admit to downloading some apps and actually finding them useful. The real shift in 'our' relationship came when I broke down and bought a cute pink case for her. (As a side note, don't go into an Apple store and ask for a 1st generation iPhone case. They will laugh at you.) The case ended up being more of a shell, but I love it. The small shift in color makes all the difference! 

Yes, I still have my original cell phone.

Bigger or Smaller Than My Head - Special Edition

Every girl should have a bouncy ball filled with pink glitter floating in liquid that is bigger than her head... or at least that's what Auntie Shosh thinks!

25 Things You Didn't Know About Me - Reading Edition

1. I read before I go to bed. Every night. Maybe just a page or two, sometimes (accidentally) the whole book (like The Hunger Games by Suzanne Colins).
2. I've read Jaws by Peter Bentley more times than I can count. I purchased my first copy at a garage sale in 3rd grade for $0.10. It had a naked lady swimming on the cover and I am still nervous about swimming out to the buoys... in the lake. My mom made me throw it away two Christmases ago because it was held together with a rubber band. She told me to stop being cheap and buy a new copy already.
3. I loathe modern writers that continue the stories of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice (like Mr. Darcy Takes A Wife by Linda Berdoll). They are everywhere and usually include the phrase "throbbing member".
4. Conversely, I have read Scarlett by Alexandra Ripley , the unauthorized sequel to Margaret Mitchell's Gone With the Wind, more than once. Rhett Butler, a tragic storm capsizing a boat, Ireland, castles, a baby... be still my heart.
5. I collect cookbooks. Lots of them. I enjoy reading them, cover to cover. Especially if they have pictures of my boyfriend, Bobby Flay.
6. I don't read LDS fiction. Ever. So don't try to tell me that Charly will change my life.
7. I've finished every book I've ever started. Sometimes it will take a couple of tries (Last of the Mohicans), but I always finish.
8. I currently have 33 books stacked next to my bed waiting to be read.
9. I avoid buying copies of books that have the 'movie' covers.
10. I always am currently reading at least two (sometimes four) books simultaneously.
11. Absolutely NO 'cheap paperback' edition books for me. (You know, the ones that are small and all the same size and have really nasty feeling paper.)
12. Sometimes, I go to Borders and read the whole book there without ever buying it.
13. I've been known to read a book and then return it if I didn't like it. (I'm not saying I'm proud of this fact.)
14. Even though I read a ton, I'm terrible at words games (scrabble, crosswords, text twist).
15. "What is your favorite book?" is one of the worst questions ever asked. I judge people who ask me that.
16. When I participated in Book-It during elementary school, the teacher always thought I was lying because I would finish my required minutes so quickly (like on day 2). I still have that super awesome hologram-ish pin that we collected the stickers on.
17. When I was younger and I was disobedient, my parents would ground me... from my current book.
18. I prefer buying books to checking them out from the library. (It might be considered some sort of addiction.) Library books have scary things tucked between the pages and they NEVER have the books I am looking for. The only advantage is that the books are free. Admittedly, that is a pretty nice incentive.
19. I am a founding member of a book club that has been going on for four years.
20. Wait Till Helen Comes by Mary Downing Hahn is the scariest book I've ever read.
21. Most of my reading idiosyncrasies come from my mother who is a voracious reader.
22. I am obsessed with book design - the size & shape of the book, the cover art, the typography, the feel of the page - I notice and appreciate all of it. If I had a drop of creativity in my blood, I'd change my major and go into book design!
23. I always judge books by their covers.
24. I rarely use a book mark.
25. It depresses me to think about how many books are out there that I'll never have the time or opportunity to read. I try not to think about it too often...

Ode To My Vacuum **Warning Graphic Pictures**

Four Girls Shedding + (Vacuum - Suction) + Boring Friday Night = Satisfying Retrieval of Giant Hair Ball

I bought this vacuum from Wal*Mart for $27.98 many, many moons ago. It's no Oreck, but it's impressive.

This is just one more example of why I heart America - I can buy a vacuum for less money than my last pair of shoes. In our country, anything is possible!

Dear King of Pop

Dear King of Pop,

I'm relieved to know that you didn't have to sell your silver glove during your estate auction last April. Maybe you can be buried with it - and Bubbles the Chimp (when he dies of course).

I want you to know that you are part of one of my earliest memories. I remember watching the premier of the 'Thriller' video on MTV in December of '83. (That was back when MTV actually played music videos.) I was 3 1/2 and my friend, (not Jenny Husar) bit my cheek in a fit of passion that evening. (I promise you my mother will make a comment about how there is no way I can remember this experience, maybe she is right, but I believe it none the less.)

Rest assured that I believe you when you sing Billie Jean was not your lover, that she's just a girl who claimed you were the one - the kid is not your son.

I have one last question. Could you explain the following lyrics? They've always confused me.

You're A Vegetable, You're A Vegetable/ Still They Hate You, You're A Vegetable/ You're Just A Buffet, You're A Vegetable/ They Eat Off Of You, You're A Vegetable

A fan of your early work,

SMK, P.Y.T.

P.S. Say hello to Elvis for us! And I'm sure you'll be so happy to see Elizabeth Taylor again.

P.P.S. Cancel that, just found out Elizabeth Taylor is still alive. That was awkward...

Somedays, Being An Adult Is Hard

Like when you have to go back to work after a super fun three day weekend trip and it's hotter than hades out. When a small breeze finally kicks up in your air-condition-less office, it only manages to blow the horrible, horrible, rotting trash smell from the dumpsters into your teeny, tiny closet.

Or when on the drive home from your super fun three day weekend trip, you miss your turn off onto highway 6 because you are chatting with your mom on your cell phone. After 150 miles of very scenic desolation, you stop for gas and a bathroom break at the first available sign of life. Then your check engine light goes on.

It's at this moment you realize, you've never heard of Salina, Utah, you have no handy dandy State Farm atlas (You immensely regret telling your dad that you in no way needed a GPS for Christmas - after all, isn't Utah just a grid system? A lot of good that camera tripod you made him buy is doing you now.) and you jump to conclusion that you just might not ever get home and have to live out the rest of your life as a 4th wife in the boonies of Utah.

Did I mention the Check Engine Light?

Then after talking to the mechanic (because after all, you made it home to Provo traveling at the average speed of 45 mph with the hazard lights flashing) you call your Dad to ask a simple question about fuel pumps.

And then, when your Dad acts like his normal guy self and states the fact that he really knows nothing at all about fuel pumps and proceeds to ask about the state of your timing belt, you act like every 'adult' would act.

You have a mental breakdown, yell at him for 'lecturing' you (even though it was you who called him), have a very loud crying fest, drink down a large glass of cold water, change into the most muu-muu like dress you own, turn on the fan and point it directly at your bed, then lay down and take a 3 hour and 18 minute long nap.

Upon waking up, you feel somewhat better (although quite sweaty from the sweltering heat), you really want Cafe Rio, but remembering that you are car-less, instead settle for a dinner of cheesy popcorn and Sprecher's Orange Cream Soda.

Your mood is finally lifted when while catching up on some illegal Internet t.v. viewing, you glance down at your toes and realize that your cousin Emma really did quite a good job when she gave you a pedicure during your super fun three day weekend.

Somedays, being an adult is not what I thought it would be.